I debated about writing this, because it is very personal. I think the story lends insight, and hopefully empathy, as well.
I had my first child very young. I was incredibly ignorant. I had no idea what I was getting into. I didn’t have much of a support system. I was 18, what else do I need to say? About a week after my son was born I was panicking. I was utterly exhausted. I realized how terribly ill-equipped I was to care for a baby. I felt horribly inadequate, that I didn’t have what he needed.
I tearfully told my mom that I wanted to give him up for adoption. My mom agreed that that would be for best. She contacted an agency. I picked out a couple. I can’t remember their names. The time was such a whirlwind. She was from Ireland and retained a soft accent. She had a daughter but was unable to have more children because of a previous battle with cancer. I visited them in their home. They wanted my baby. We were working out the details when my son’s paternal grandmother stepped in. She told me she would help me. And she did (which led to major problems down the road, but it was a lifeline at the time…).
I scrapped the plans for adoption without much thought of the woman and her family. I went on to return to my faith, break out of a very destructive lifestyle, and met a great man who married me and has helped me raise that son like he was his own.
I didn’t give much thought to that woman until years later. Maybe after I had my second child. I was filled with so much remorse for her. I would have reached out to her but the details were lost to me by that time. I prayed for her many times, prayed that she did get the baby that she wanted so badly. It just wasn’t meant to be my baby. I was too young, exhausted, self-involved at the time to realize the heartbreak she must have felt at being so close to adoption; only to see it go through her fingertips.
I wasn’t able to make amends. But I would very much like to meet with her again, if only just to apologize for my childish carelessness and let her know that things turned out very well for my son and I.