If you are foolish enough to be wandering around the tundra without a weapon and you encounter a surly polar bear, then immediately follow these three steps:
- Get low to the ground, on your knees.
- Clasp your hands tightly in front of you.
- Pray for a quick death.
The polar bear is going to eat you. Even if it just dined on some poor seal, it’s not going to resist a squishy human for dessert.
Do not attempt to run; you’ll just heighten the bear’s predatory instincts and when he catches you, he’ll tear into you con gusto.
Plus, why fritter away the last seconds of your life exhausting yourself?
Do not try to shoo the bear off by shouting at it. Most polar bears are not fluent in human languages, and it is just as likely as not to translate your words as: “Come and detach my limbs from my body, you big beautiful creature.”
When the bear leaps on top of you, as it inevitably will, you do have one last hope of survival. Cup the bear’s head in your hands and stare intently into its eyes, telepathically explaining to it that violence is never the answer; that the world would be a much happier place if we learned to love one another regardless of our differences.
It just might work.
More likely, the bear will rip your face off.