1- Noises should not be ‘investigated.’
When I’m in bed late at night, and I hear a strange noise, I think ‘Bollox to it. I’m too tired. Let them take what they want.’
Nothing good has ever come from people investigating noises in horror films. My particular bug bear is when they hear something outside and actually go outdoors in their nightie to see what’s going on—leaving the front door WIDE open in the process. How many more throats have to get slashed before you decide to just stay indoors, where it’s safe?
2- Cover yourself up.
Speaking of nighties or any other form of skimpy attire, that’s another point of contention. Showing flesh equals certain death. We’ve seen it a million times. To the half-naked girlfriend who goes to the kitchen to get a glass of water after a frenzied sex romp, I say ‘Put some damn clothes on.’ Everyone knows serial killers have no interest in anyone dressed like this:
I mean, you couldn’t plunge a knife into that if you tried.
3- Don’t keep dogs.
Just don’t do it. Any dog in a horror film gets killed. The protagonist hears mysterious noises and wonders why Buster isn’t barking. That’s because Buster is already dead. He’s the first casualty. So, on top of all the stress you already have on your plate thanks to some lurking psycho outside your pad, you’ve also just lost your beloved pet.
4- Stop screaming.
Seriously, hearing women screech incessantly in horror films kinda makes me want to stab them too.